60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech

60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech

A sense of humor is always a welcome addition to every marriage. In fact, those who have been married for twenty years or more often say it is a necessity. 

Whether you can both laugh at your own flaws (and even each other’s), or use humor to lighten up darker times, being able to laugh is a great way to have a healthy marriage.

Laughter is also a fantastic way to bring some joy to a speech. Who doesn’t like the odd joke at a wedding, for example? 

Whether you are just looking to have a laugh as a married man or woman, or you are hoping to boost the appeal of your speech – be that for a wedding, engagement party or anniversary – you will find 60 funny marriage quotes in this article  that are guaranteed to make you laugh.

Funny Quotes That Are About the Wife

1. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”
– Molly McGee

2.“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
– Mark Agee

3. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henry Youngman

4. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.”
– Winston Churchill

5. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
– Henry Youngman

6. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”
– Lee Judge

7. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
– Jack Benny

8. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”
– St Elmo’s Fire

9. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.”
– Henry Youngman

10. “Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.”
– Joginder Singh

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Funny Quotes That Are About the Husband

11. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” 
– Frank Sinatra

12. “My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers

13. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Ann Bancroft

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14. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner

15. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
– Megan Mullally

16. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen

17. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”-
– Janet Periat

18. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller

19. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
– Bill Maher

Funny Quotes from TV and Movies

20. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
– Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally

21. “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.”
– Pete from Knocked Up

22. “You want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.”
– Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond

23. “She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.”
– Phoebe from Friends

24. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.”
– Donatella from Letters to Juliet

25. “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.”
– Mac MacGuff from Juno

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Funny Quotes About Being Married

26. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin 

27. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

28. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly

29. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Phillip

30. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
– Homer Simpson

31. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

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32. “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.”
– Justin Timberlake

33. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.”
– Judith Viorst

34. “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
– Chris Hemsworth

35. “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
– Cameron Esposito

36. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
– Dax Shepard

37. “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.”
– Tom Hanks

38. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama

39. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

40. “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.”
– Mindy Kaling

41. “Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
– Michelle Obama

42. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.”
– Emma Bombeck

43. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns

44. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash

45. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
– Mickey Rooney

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46. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”
– Anonymous

47. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
– Helen Rowland

48. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr

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49. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
– Jenny Seinfeld

50. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

51. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.”
– Janet Periat

52. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsely Clarke

53. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.”
– Joyce Brothers

54. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates

55. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
– George Bernard Shaw

56. “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
– Barack Obama

57. “My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.”
– Andy Richter

58. “Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.”
– Goldie Hawn 

59. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
– Chris Rock

60. “Marriage is like a graph – it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
– Dame Julie Andrews

Final Thoughts

As you can see there are many funny quotes to suit a wedding, engagement party, or even an anniversary. 

So long as the couple likes a laugh, at least one of these quotes will have everyone in the room in fits of laughter. 

If you are not writing a speech and just need to have a laugh, then no doubt you have found a few quotes that you can relate to.