A sense of humor is always a welcome addition to every marriage. In fact, those who have been married for twenty years or more often say it is a necessity.
Whether you can both laugh at your own flaws (and even each other’s), or use humor to lighten up darker times, being able to laugh is a great way to have a healthy marriage.
Laughter is also a fantastic way to bring some joy to a speech. Who doesn’t like the odd joke at a wedding, for example?
Whether you are just looking to have a laugh as a married man or woman, or you are hoping to boost the appeal of your speech – be that for a wedding, engagement party or anniversary – you will find 60 funny marriage quotes in this article that are guaranteed to make you laugh.
Funny Quotes That Are About the Wife
1. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”
– Molly McGee
2.“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
– Mark Agee
3. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henry Youngman
4. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.”
– Winston Churchill
5. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
– Henry Youngman
6. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”
– Lee Judge
7. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
– Jack Benny
8. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”
– St Elmo’s Fire
9. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.”
– Henry Youngman
10. “Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.”
– Joginder Singh

Funny Quotes That Are About the Husband
11. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”
– Frank Sinatra
12. “My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers
13. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Ann Bancroft
14. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner
15. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
– Megan Mullally
16. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen
17. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”-
– Janet Periat
18. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
19. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
– Bill Maher
Funny Quotes from TV and Movies
20. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
– Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally
21. “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.”
– Pete from Knocked Up
22. “You want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.”
– Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond
23. “She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.”
– Phoebe from Friends
24. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.”
– Donatella from Letters to Juliet
25. “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.”
– Mac MacGuff from Juno

Funny Quotes About Being Married
26. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin
27. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
28. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly
29. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Phillip
30. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
– Homer Simpson
31. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
32. “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.”
– Justin Timberlake
33. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.”
– Judith Viorst
34. “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
– Chris Hemsworth
35. “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
– Cameron Esposito
36. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
– Dax Shepard
37. “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.”
– Tom Hanks
38. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama
39. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner
40. “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.”
– Mindy Kaling
41. “Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
– Michelle Obama
42. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.”
– Emma Bombeck
43. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns
44. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash
45. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
– Mickey Rooney

46. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”
– Anonymous
47. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
– Helen Rowland
48. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr
49. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
– Jenny Seinfeld
50. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis
51. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.”
– Janet Periat
52. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsely Clarke
53. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.”
– Joyce Brothers
54. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates
55. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
– George Bernard Shaw
56. “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
– Barack Obama
57. “My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.”
– Andy Richter
58. “Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.”
– Goldie Hawn
59. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
– Chris Rock
60. “Marriage is like a graph – it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
– Dame Julie Andrews
Final Thoughts
As you can see there are many funny quotes to suit a wedding, engagement party, or even an anniversary.
So long as the couple likes a laugh, at least one of these quotes will have everyone in the room in fits of laughter.
If you are not writing a speech and just need to have a laugh, then no doubt you have found a few quotes that you can relate to.
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