60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech

80 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech

A sense of humor is always a welcome addition to every marriage. In fact, those who have been married for twenty years or more often say it is a necessity. 

Whether you can both laugh at your own flaws (and even each other’s), or use humor to lighten up darker times, being able to laugh is a great way to have a healthy marriage.

Laughter is also a fantastic way to bring some joy to a speech. Who doesn’t like the odd joke at a wedding, for example? 

Whether you are just looking to have a laugh as a married man or woman, or you are hoping to boost the appeal of your speech – be that for a wedding, engagement party or anniversary – you will find 60 funny marriage quotes in this article  that are guaranteed to make you laugh.

Funny Quotes That Are About the Wife

  1. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”
    – Molly McGee
  2. “My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
    – Mark Agee
  3. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
    – Henry Youngman
  4. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.”
    – Winston Churchill
  5. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
    – Henry Youngman
  6. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”
    – Lee Judge
  7. “My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.”
    – Unknown
  8. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
    – Jack Benny
  9. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”
    – St Elmo’s Fire
  10. “I’ve been married for 27 years and fortunately, my wife is not in love with me anymore. She’s deeply committed to tolerating me.”
    – Bill Maher
  11. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.”
    – Henry Youngman
  12. “Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.”
    – Joginder Singh
60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech (1)

Funny Quotes That Are About the Husband

  1. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” 
    – Frank Sinatra
  2. “My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
    – Dr. Joyce Brothers
  3. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
    – Ann Bancroft
  4. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
    – Cindy Garner
  5. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
    – Megan Mullally
  6. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
    – Tim Allen
  7. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”-
    – Janet Periat
  8. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
    – Oscar Wilde
  9. “The difference between a boyfriend and a husband is about 30 pounds.”
    – Cindy Gardner
  10. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
    – Phyllis Diller
  11. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.”
    – Helen Rowland
  12. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
    – Bill Maher
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Funny Quotes from TV and Movies

  1. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
    – Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally
  2. “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.”
    – Pete from Knocked Up
  3. “You want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.”
    – Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond
  4. “She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.”
    – Phoebe from Friends
  5. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.”
    – Donatella from Letters to Juliet
  6. “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.”
    – Mac MacGuff from Juno
60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech (2)

Funny Quotes About Being Married

  1. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
    – Benjamin Franklin 
  2. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
    – Rita Rudner
  3. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
    – Prince Phillip
  4. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
    – Homer Simpson
  5. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
    – Will Ferrell
  6. “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.”
    – Justin Timberlake
  7. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.”
    – Judith Viorst
  8. “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
    – Chris Hemsworth
  9. “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
    – Cameron Esposito
  10. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
    – Dax Shepard
  11. “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.”
    – Tom Hanks
  12. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
    – Michelle Obama
  13. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
    – Rita Rudner
  14. “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.”
    – Mindy Kaling
  15. “Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
    – Michelle Obama
  16. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.”
    – Emma Bombeck
  17. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.”
    – George Burns
  18. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
    – Mickey Rooney
  19. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”
    – Anonymous
  20. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
    – Helen Rowland
  21. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
    – H. Jackson Brown, Jr
  22. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
    – Richard Lewis
  23. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.”
    – Janet Periat
  24. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
    – Jean Illsely Clarke
  25. “Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night.”
    – Paul Hornung
  26. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
    – Socrates
  27. “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
    – Barack Obama
  28. “My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.”
    – Andy Richter
  29. “Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.”
    – Goldie Hawn 
  30. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
    – Chris Rock
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“Marriage is …” Funny Quotes

60 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech (3)
  1. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
    – George Bernard Shaw
  2. “Marriage, n. A community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all two.”
    – Ambrose Bierce
  3. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.”
    – Richard Pryor
  4. “Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it weren’t for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers.”
    – Phyllis Diller
  5. “Marriage was all a woman’s idea, and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke it becomes us to be grateful.”
    – Phyllis McGinley
  6. “Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.”
    – Billy Connolly
  7. “Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.”
    – Beverley Nichols
  8. “Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
    – Aeschylus
  9. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”
    – French Proverb
  10. “Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that reenlist.”
    – James Garner
  11. “Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.”
    – Cass Daley
  12. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
    – Jenny Seinfeld
  13. “Marriage is like a graph – it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
    – Dame Julie Andrews
  14. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.”
    – Joyce Brothers
  15. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
    – Ogden Nash
  16. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.”
    – Evelyn Hendrickson
  17. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
    – Irwin Corey
  18. “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.”
    – Michel de Montaigne
  19. “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks: It looks easy until you try it.”
    – Helen Rowland
  20. “Marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence… a life sentence.”
    – Unknown
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Final Thoughts

As you can see there are many funny quotes to suit a wedding, engagement party, or even an anniversary. 

So long as the couple likes a laugh, at least one of these quotes will have everyone in the room in fits of laughter. 

If you are not writing a speech and just need to have a laugh, then no doubt you have found a few quotes that you can relate to. 

Jodie Messines