Funny Marriage Advice

70 Funny Marriage Advice That’ll Keep You Laughing Through the Years

Welcome to the wild, wonderful world of wedded bliss! As you start your journey together as a married couple, it’s always essential to add a dash of humor into the mix.

With that in mind, we’ve gathered 70 hilarious pieces of marriage advice that’ll not only make you chuckle but also help lighten those occasional tense moments. Laughter is a language that every couple should speak fluently, and we’re here to provide the one-liners and witty anecdotes that’ll keep the smiles coming for years to come.

So buckle up and get ready – this is your go-to guide for laughs, love, and everything in between!

Funny Marriage Advice for Couples

Welcome to our curated collection of ‘Funny Marriage Advice for Couples,’ where we delve into the world of chortle-inducing tips, the most amusing relationship hacks, and those side-splitting pearls of wisdom you never knew you needed.

Are you ready? Let’s dive in and embrace wedded bliss with a healthy dose of laughter!

  1. Embrace the unexpected: Remember, marriage is a rollercoaster ride – except you’re blindfolded, and your partner holds the map drawn by a five-year-old.
  2. Pillow talk: When discussing serious topics in bed, always keep a fluffy pillow nearby for impromptu pillow fights to defuse tension.
  3. When all else fails, dance! Can’t stop arguing about chores? Challenge each other to a spontaneous dance-off! Winner decides who takes out the trash (hint: they both do).
  4. Secret language: Invent funny code words for those embarrassing complaints you wouldn’t want anyone else to hear – “I’m craving pineapple” could mean “Buy more toilet paper!”
  5. The appliance wars: Find creative ways to tape remote controls together or attach them to appliances, ensuring that you always know who’s in charge (or just get a universal one).
  6. Play fortune teller: Every time your spouse makes an outrageous prediction or statement, put it in writing and store it for future reference – nothing is more enjoyable than proving them wrong 10 years from now!
  7. Mismatched matrimony: Marrying an early bird? Become a night owl. Because nothing says romance like avoiding each other at all hours of the day.
  8. The art of exaggeration: When describing your partner’s smallest accomplishments, use exorbitant amounts of hyperbole; this provides much-needed comic relief and makes them feel like superheroes.
  9. Dinner diplomacy: Having trouble cooking an edible meal? Earn instant brownie points by pretending it was absolutely indistinguishable from a beloved family recipe.
  10. Pillow patrol: Mark your territory in bed with pillows; build a grand fortress every night because, after all, “good fences make good marriages.”
  11. Expressive emotions edition: Each week, assign unique emojis to different chores; unveil the benefits of communicating with colorful characters that enliven mundane tasks!
  12. Choreographed cleaning sessions: Turn cleaning into a dance-fitness event complete with disco lights and music—collaborate in choreographing routines based on those groovy mop-swipes!

Funny Marriage Advice for the Bride

Hello there, beautiful brides-to-be! Welcome to the “Funny Marriage Advice for the Bride” section of our blog. As you are gearing up to embark on the rollercoaster ride called marriage, we thought it would be the perfect time to share some light-hearted, giggle-inducing tips with you.

After all, laughter has always been the best medicine (and sometimes a life-saver) in the world of matrimony!

  1. King of the castle: He says he’s got everything under control? Don’t worry; it just means he knows the number for the emergency plumber by heart.
  2. DIY disasters: Encourage his DIY projects – sitting through his tales of failed home renovations will make you appreciate professional help even more!
  3. Closet catastrophes: No closet space left? No problem! Use his jackets as lovely displays or makeshift curtains – after all, sharing is caring.
  4. Dress-up dilemma: Did you know that the quickest path to a man’s heart is by wearing his favorite shirt as your pajamas? Added bonus: you won’t need to buy as many clothes!
  5. Eloquent avoidance: Conquer awkward conversations with phrases like “I think I left my curling iron on!” – retreat, regroup and return when the topic has safely changed.
  6. Sightseeing strategy: Surprise him with binoculars to help him search for that thing you asked him to get from the store last week (which is still missing).
  7. Football folly: Don’t worry if he’s glued to the TV during sports season; just remind yourself that shopping is also considered athletic training.
  8. Creative cleaning: If he never helps with housekeeping, suggest playing Cinderella – whoever loses ends up scrubbing those filthy floors!
  9. Mistrust maps at all costs: Planning exciting road trips? Just remember GPS stands for “Getting People Stressed” — couples who argue over directions stay together (because they’re lost).
  10. Snack stash extraordinaire: Keep secret stashes of chocolate around the house; not only will these be emergency mood-lifters but mastering disguise and stealth feels downright empowering!
  11. The ‘honey’ chronicles: Make a game out of trying new pet names for your husband each week—just don’t let them catch on when you throw in “Sweet Pickle” or “Squirrel Whisperer.”
  12. Ears over eyes: Remember the saying, “listen to everything he says and believe only half of it;” yet, somehow that still equals 100% love!
  13. King of chores: Want him to pitch in more? Announce surprise awards for “The Fastest Dishwasher” or “Chief Vacuum Specialist”—the key is keeping him guessing when the ceremony will take place.
  14. Movie mysteries: If you absolutely cannot stand his movie choices anymore, consider watching them together while blindfolded—nothing brings a couple closer quite like shared confusion.
  15. Intriguing interrogations: Have daily check-ins where you ask intriguing questions like “Did aliens replace our laundry detergent?” or “Have we entered a parallel universe?”. It’ll keep both of you on your toes!
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Funny Marriage Advice for the Groom

Hold onto your hats, grooms-to-be! It’s high time we careened headfirst into the wild world of matrimonial mirth with some unconventional advice tailored exclusively for you. As you embark on this adventure called marriage, you need a healthy dose of hilarity seasoned with hints of offbeat wisdom to navigate the unpredictable twists and turns that lie ahead.

So buckle up, loosen your bowties, and prepare to explore a smorgasbord of comical insights that’ll have you chortling all the way down the aisle! After all, who says getting married can’t tickle your funny bone?

  1. Man-icure mastery: Get proficient at applying nail polish; you never know when she’ll need a last-minute touch-up, and it might even earn you brownie points for being her personal salon ninja.
  2. Adornment awareness: Jewelery makes fantastic gifts – bigger and shinier = shorter memory of that awful argument from yesterday.
  3. Dazzling deception: If she keeps stealing your sweatshirts, combat this by consistently wearing the ugliest one – it’s a win-win because you’ll either keep your favorites intact or get fashion upgrade suggestions!
  4. Culinary camouflage: Always remember the three C’s of cooking: Confidence, Creativity, and Chinese takeout on speed dial – deceivingly delicious every time.
  5. Furry friends factor: Need a breather during couple arguments? Casually suggest adopting another pet as your response; it ensures both instant distraction and potential team de-stressors.
  6. Shoe survival guide: When asking about her new shoes, always inquire about their comfort level first – while she recounts all the details herself, bask in knowing you’ve won the compliment game effortlessly.
  7. Symbiotic sleeping strategies: Invest in extra blankets to counteract sheet-snatchers and ensure cozy nights (extra points if they take on animal forms, like bear wraps / giraffe capes).
  8. Cozy cuisine: Turn cooking mishaps into gourmet masterpieces—just rename an accidentally burnt meal as “crispy delight,” and voilà, you’re relationship food critics!
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Funny Marriage Advice from Quotes

Finding the right words of wisdom to bring a smile or change in perspective can be difficult on hard days, especially if you’re married. That’s why we’ve scoured the best quotes from famous authors and funny folks alike — to offer a little comic relief when your marriage needs it most.

From Ann Landers’s classic lines about matrimony, to Benjamin Franklin’s witty musings about handling marriage, get ready for some seriously good laughs with our round-up of funny marriage advice!

Related: 80 Funny Marriage Quotes You Will Want In Your Wedding Speech

  • Morning Wedding Woes

“Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night.” – Paul Hornung

  • Family Vacation Perks

“Honolulu – it has everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.” – Ken Dodd

  • Pretty Woman Wisdom

“A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.” – Sacha Guitry

  • Secret Spouse Syndrome

“No man should have a secret from his wife; she invariably finds it out.” – Oscar Wilde

  • Age-Defying Motivation

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

  • Marriage Archaeology Prospects

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he’s in her.” – Agatha Christie

  • Double Deals in Romance

“Half my friends said I should get married. The other half said I should get a lawyer. So I’m doing both at once.” – Edward M. (Ted) Kennedy

  • The Shortcomings of Long Engagements

“Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable.” – Oscar Wilde

  • Fighting Sleep Strategy

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

  • Expensive Advice Expeditions

“A Psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.”

  • Communication and Motherly Needs

“A man will marry a woman because he needs a mother he can communicate with.” – Martin Mull

  • Sensory Compromise in Marriage

“A good marriage should be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne

  • Wife-Stealing Revenge

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

  • Housework Compensation

“If you do housework for $150 a week, that’s domestic service. If you do it for nothing—that’s matrimony.” – Ann Landers

  • Honesty vs Infidelity

“Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.” – Charles McCabe

  • Hope over Experience

“Second marriage: Another instance of the triumph of hope over experience.” – Samuel Johnson

  • Marital Multiplication

“To marry once is a duty, twice a folly, thrice is madness.” – Dutch proverb

  • Marriage: Griefs and Joys

“Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton

  • Eyes on Marriage

“Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin

  • Pierced Ears & Marital Prep
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“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

  • The Unspoken Language of Marriage

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying.”

  • Humble Harmony in Marriage

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.” – Ogden Nash

  • Maintaining the Flame

“Husbands are like fires – they go out when they’re left unattended.” – Cher

  • An Investment Worth Making

“A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it.” – Mignon McLaughlin

  • New Car or New Wife?

“When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.” – Thomas C Halliburton

  • Mutual Misunderstanding- A Union’s Foundation 

“The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.” – Oscar Wilde

  • Ageless beauty tip

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

  • Marriage contract conundrum

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” – Isadora Duncan

  • Love tactics pre- and post-marriage

“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” – Marilyn Monroe

  • Tiny marital handcuffs

“Wedding rings: the world’s smallest handcuffs.”

  • Rebuilding marriage daily

“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” – Gabriel García Márquez

  • Trashy reminders

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers

  • Bachelor Wisdom

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” – H.L. Mencken

  • Apologetic Balance

“A perfect marriage is one in which ‘I’m sorry’ is said just often enough.” – Mignon McLaughlin

  • Combining Lives’ Challenge

“I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.” – Claire Cloninger

Conclusion

We hope these hilarious and lighthearted pieces of advice have brought a smile to your face, and maybe even inspired some shared laughter between you and your spouse. Remember that humor is a vital part of life, especially within marriage – sometimes, it’s the laughter shared in the toughest moments that keeps love strong and thriving. So go ahead, embrace the hilarity life throws at you, and may your marriage be filled with love, joy, and most importantly – endless chuckles!

Rosie Liliy